Control vs. Coercive Control in Relationships

25 Nov

Control dynamics exist in every relationship, often manifesting through negotiation, compromise, and shared decision-making. These behaviours can strengthen a partnership when rooted in respect and equality. However, a darker form of control—coercive control—poses serious psychological and emotional harm. Coercive control undermines a person’s autonomy, often using manipulative, restrictive, and demeaning strategies to assert dominance. While physical abuse may leave visible scars, coercive control attacks the very foundation of a person’s identity and freedom, often leaving no tangible evidence.

This article explores the psychological, societal, and legal aspects of control and coercive control, aiming to provide clarity for individuals experiencing these behaviours and outlining strategies and resources for both victims and those seeking systemic change.

Part I: Understanding Control in Relationships

Healthy and Unhealthy Control

Control is not inherently harmful. In a healthy relationship, control is often shared or navigated collaboratively. For example, one partner might take charge of finances while the other manages household logistics, with both parties agreeing to the arrangement. These dynamics are based on respect and mutual understanding, preserving each partner's autonomy.

However, control becomes problematic when it undermines equality and consistently prioritizes one partner’s needs, desires, or values over the other’s. For instance, if one partner dictates how the other dresses, who they spend time with, or how they pursue their interests, this represents an imbalance of power. Over time, these behaviours can escalate into coercive control if they are systematic and designed to dominate.

The Role of Culture and Society

Cultural norms and systemic factors often influence perceptions of control. Traditional gender roles, societal expectations, or economic inequalities can normalize or even perpetuate controlling behaviour. For example, in some cultures, financial dependency or the expectation that women prioritize family over career can create environments where coercive control thrives.

It’s also essential to recognize that coercive control is not limited to heterosexual relationships. LGBTQ+ individuals and people in non-traditional relationships can also experience coercive control, sometimes exacerbated by unique challenges like societal stigma or a lack of targeted support services.

Part II: Coercive Control: A Deeper Examination

What is Coercive Control?

Coercive control is a calculated and persistent pattern of behaviour that seeks to strip an individual of their independence and subject them to the abuser's will. Unlike overt forms of abuse such as physical violence, coercive control often operates in subtle and insidious ways. Examples include monitoring someone’s texts or emails, restricting their access to money, or isolating them from loved ones.

Psychologically, coercive control works by instilling doubt, fear, and dependency in the victim. The perpetrator may use tactics such as gaslighting—manipulating the victim into questioning their perceptions or memories—or leveraging emotional guilt to manipulate decisions. Over time, this erodes the victim’s self-esteem and ability to assert their needs.

The Psychological and Societal Impact

The effects of coercive control are profound and far-reaching, often impacting victims even after the relationship ends. Victims frequently report:

Anxiety: Constant fear of doing something "wrong" creates a heightened state of alertness.
Depression: Repeated invalidation and isolation lead to feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness.
Identity Loss: Many victims describe losing touch with their sense of self, as their preferences, opinions, and choices are systematically overridden or dismissed.

Beyond the individual, coercive control can have societal consequences, perpetuating cycles of abuse and inequality. Public education and systemic interventions are critical for breaking these patterns.

Part III: The Legal Framework for Coercive Control

Legal Protections and Challenges

Many jurisdictions are recognizing coercive control as a form of domestic abuse, even in the absence of physical violence. For example:

In the UK, the Serious Crime Act 2015 criminalizes coercive control, allowing victims to report behaviours that cause “serious alarm or distress.”
In the U.S., states like California explicitly include coercive control within domestic violence statutes.

However, navigating the legal system can be challenging. Proving coercive control often requires substantial evidence, such as detailed records of incidents, financial restrictions, or patterns of surveillance. Victims may face additional barriers if laws vary by jurisdiction or if law enforcement lacks training in identifying and addressing coercive control.

Practical Steps for Victims

Document the Abuse: Keep a detailed record of incidents, including text messages, emails, and evidence of financial control or surveillance.
Seek Legal Advice: Consulting a family law attorney can help victims understand their rights and options, including obtaining protective orders or filing criminal charges.
Access Victim Support Services: Many nonprofits and government agencies offer resources, including shelters, counseling, and legal assistance tailored to individuals leaving coercive relationships.
Advocate for Change: Victims and allies can push for reforms that strengthen legal protections and improve societal awareness of coercive control.

Part IV: Recovery and Moving Forward

Psychological Healing

Breaking free from a coercive relationship is a significant and courageous step, but recovery often requires ongoing effort. Therapy can help individuals rebuild their sense of self-worth, challenge internalized guilt or shame, and regain confidence in their decision-making abilities. Victims may benefit from specific approaches such as:

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT): Addressing distorted beliefs about responsibility and self-worth.
Trauma-Focused Therapy: Processing and overcoming the emotional scars of coercion.
Support Groups: Sharing experiences with others who have endured similar relationships can foster a sense of community and understanding.

Support for Perpetrators

Addressing coercive control also requires interventions for abusers. Programs that focus on accountability, emotional regulation, and healthy relationship skills can help break cycles of abuse. However, these programs must prioritize the safety and autonomy of victims.

Rebuilding Autonomy

For many victims, regaining control over financial resources, housing, and social networks is crucial for rebuilding autonomy. Successfully obtaining a restraining order or seeing an abuser held accountable can restore a sense of agency and help victims move forward.

Simply Put

The distinction between control and coercive control lies in the dynamics of power, intent, and impact. Healthy relationships prioritize mutual respect and preserve autonomy, while coercive control systematically dismantles these foundations, leaving victims isolated and disempowered.

Recognizing coercive control requires not just individual awareness but systemic action. Addressing it involves legal reforms, public education, and resources tailored to the needs of victims. By seeking support, documenting evidence, and accessing therapeutic and legal tools, victims can begin reclaiming their autonomy and rebuilding their lives. Coercive control is deeply personal, yet addressing it also requires collective courage and clarity.

This guide aims to empower victims, educate allies, and inspire systemic change, ensuring that coercive control is not only recognized but effectively addressed at every level of society.